6 Autistic Dating Tips
From one late diagnosed Autistic to another <3
I was living in a small traditional Spanish city when I realized that I was a lesbian. I deeply loved living there and I remember being so excited to move back to a very queer friendly U.S. city after living for many years in Spain. I’d read sapphic romances and daydream about how easy it would be to date women in my queer friendly town. After all I had frequently visited there as a kid and back then it had often seemed more common to see two women walking hand in hand than a heterosexual couple. It would be easy! Fun! Looking back part of me wants to absolutely laugh at my very idealized version of how easy queer dating would be. At the time my experience with dating was I’d make an online profile and then weed through the many messages from men. I only understood ghosting as a far away concept I had seen from movies. I was also used to dating in Spanish. Having sex in Spanish. Flirting in Spanish. Breaking up in Spanish.
So imagine my surprise when dating wasn’t exactly easy. In fact, it was kind of hard, confusing and involved a lot of vocabulary that I just wasn’t familiar with. Sometimes I’d text my brother and ask things like “what does 415 mean again?” (I meant 420😂) and “what the hell is a snapback?” I got a crash course in being ghosted. I went on some really fun and sexy dates. But I was dating using a user’s manual that wasn’t actually mine since at the time I had no idea that I was actually an AuDHDer. Not only was I dating women after a lifetime of only dating men, I was attempting to flirt in English and trying to understand dating American social norms and culture. Then about a year after coming out as a lesbian I learned that I was actually Autistic.
When I realized that I was Autistic in my mid-30’s I remember feeling relief, a bit overwhelmed, excited at finally having a label to describe my experiences. But there was also this loud voice inside of me that was basically shouting “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?” Like I had come out as a lesbian exactly one year earlier, gone through the whole process of coming out personally and professionally, finally felt settled and good in my identity as a lesbian…and then to realize that I’m autistic?! It was like there was this glittery ball swirling with excitement, relief, overwhelm and then this loud voice that went “what the actually fuck?” Part of that voice was connected to the fact that if dating as a queer woman in my (at the time) very queer friendly town felt impossible, how the hell would it feel to date as an autistic? Would anyone want to date me if they knew I was Autistic? This “what the fuck” voice was very connected to my own internalized ableism at the time.
So I started dating and sharing with people on dating apps that I was Autistic. Unfortunately, the combination of people using problematic language and my newly diagnosed self feeling oh so tender wasn’t exactly a great match. So I had some very human responses. I got really hurt and offended when people would tell me things like “well, you must be high functioning” or “you don’t look Autistic.” I took small steps in advocating for my needs and learned what to do when people shared language that didn’t feel great to me. I shared neurodivergent affirming resources and got to really get to know my own internalized ableism. I learned as I went, made mistakes and created protocols and tools that worked for me as an Autistic person. So if you’re Autistic or an AuDHDer here are my 6 dating tips in no order:
1.) Ground yourself in your innate worthiness.
Internalized ableism can be sneaky and whisper to you things like “no one will want to date you if you’re Autistic” or “if you share your needs, people will think you’re too much.” Instead of ignoring these voices, can you unpack them, reframe them and then remind yourself of your innate worthiness? With clients I help them do this by:
Identifying what the ableist belief is really about, in other words what is the root of the belief? Example: the root of “no one will want to date me if they know I’m Autistic” is that there’s something wrong with Autistic people.
Put on an autistic affirming lens and ask yourself: “is this belief actually true?”
Rewrite what I call the “Autistic Truth” aka what is the autistic affirming truth about that belief?
Can you remind yourself of your gifts, brilliance, beauty and innate worthiness?
2.) Get to know your autistic desires and needs around dating.
A way we can date with intention is by knowing what we’re looking for and what we’re not interested in. Get to know your deepest desires around dating and also your needs. What do you need for dating to feel good, supportive and accessible? What are your desires around dating and intimacy?
3.) You and only you get to decide how (or if!) you disclose your neurodivergence.
Perhaps you put it smack dap in your dating app profile like me or maybe you wait until you get to know the other person. Perhaps you leave little clues for other neurodivergent folks to find you like answering the prompt of “what’s your favorite love language?” with “Penguin pebbling” or mentioning your special interests. Remember that you can share your needs with full, partial or no disclosure.
4.) Ableism can happen…and it’s really not about you.
Sometimes you might encounter ableism in your dating experiences. I really know how much it sucks and it can be helpful to remember that it’s not about you. Someone else’s ableism has nothing to do with your inherent worthiness and lovability and more to do with their lack of education on neurodivergence. But ableism can still feel shitty so it can be helpful to have an ableism protocol to support your own wellness. You can check out my Holy Ableism Protocol here.
5.) You deserve sex and dating to feel safe.
You deserve to feel safe in the sex, dating and relationship experiences that you have. But sometimes for us Autistics we might ignore our intuition, not pick up on red flags or have trouble picking up on bad intentions. But safety is also about things like pacing, behaviors, traits, sensory safety and types of intimacy. Which is why it can be so supportive to:
Identify cues that you feel safe or unsafe in relationships and/or sex. What body or emotional cues do you notice?
Get clear on what you need for relationships and sex to feel safe.
Signs that you feel safe being your authentic self with others.
Trust your intuition when you feel unsafe even if it doesn’t feel logical.
Identify your sensory needs for sex and pleasure to be accessible and sensory safe.
6.) Apply pacing systems to dating!
Dating can feel like a lot for us neurodivergent folks. Which is why I suggest getting to know different pacing systems and applying them to your dating. Your spoons are precious and it can be so helpful to identify your pacing needs so dating is sustainable. We don’t need to get into a boom or bust cycle while we’re trying to get our connection needs met!
I’m going to be honest: I still really struggle with dating.
I made The Autistic Dating Guide (which recently got gloriously updated!) not because I’m great at dating or don’t deeply hate dating apps with every fiber of my being. I created it for me but also for anyone who is seeking a workbook on topics like:
Identifying your autistic needs and boundaries.
Advocating for your needs.
How to get clarity on what you’re looking for while dating.
Worksheets on identifying your safety cues.
Identifying your sexual yes’s, no’s and maybe’s.
Making sex sensory safe and supportive.
Post date self reflection worksheets.
What to do if you experience ableist comments.
Scripts!
Applying pacing systems in dating.
Making dating work for you!
I believe that dating, sex and relationships should be accessible, supportive and safe for folks of all neurotypes. I also think that realizing that you’re Autistic later in life means that you’re exploring how to make life work for you as an autistic person-including in the areas of dating, relationships and intimacy. You can learn more about The Autistic Dating Guide here. Note: the latest update of this dating guide was on 3/04/25. Customers have access to all future updates, just use the special code in the first pages of your workbook.
Why talk about dating with everything that’s going on right now?
I took the majority of February off from this newsletter because I deeply needed a pause with all of the horrible events that have been happening politically in the word. I want to be honest and name that every time I logged into Substack I would see so many notes with such important information on resistance, on the horrible things happening politically and just a lot of notes reflecting on the very real emergency happening right now. The writing was so important & helpful and sent me into a freeze around my own writing and business. “How can I possibly write about neurodivergence when each day something worse is happening?”
So this is my small step of saying “yes, the world is in a state of emergency right now” and things like neurodivergent affirming care, autistic resources and attuned care are still so important. As an Autistic person I often deeply desire to form connections with people and it can feel hard. Which is why bringing a neurodivergent and trauma informed approach to dating feels so important to me-both on a personal and professional level. I believe that even in periods of emergency, that we’re still longing for healing, for connection, for community. I know that us lovely neurodivergent folks deserve for dating, sex and relationships to feel safe, affirming and supportive. If you’re also desiring that, I hope this post has been supportive for you.
In somatic trauma resolution we start with stabilization, dip into difficulty (if there’s capacity to do so) and then go back into stabilization. I’ve been bringing those principals into my life and noticing the goodness like:
Crows having a picnic at my compost pile. I can’t decide if I’m glad that the crows are throwing crow parties on my lawn or not but…they are incredibly entertaining.
Morning meditations with my cat on my chest. It’s deep pressure + meditation!
Moving my body in the morning.
I’ve been watching a really fun (and sexy!) Spanish TV show and it’s been so much fun!
Small and steady healing shifts from receiving somatic trauma resolution practices in the training I’m doing.
What’s some goodness you’ve been noticing lately?
Thank you for being here, I appreciate you!
I appreciate your patience with my absence and I’m glad to be sharing my writing with you again.
Wishing you a lovely rest of your week,
Tiffany
This was so helpful to read. I've been really shying away from dating for many years now, especially since learning I'm autistic and living in an unwell body. The internalized ableism part is so sneaky and I love your tips on how to debunk these myths hiding inside ourselves!