An ode to sensory safety.
Why being kind to our sensory needs is so important.
Dear reader,
The first time I put on a pair of noise cancelling headphones I wanted to sob in relief. It reminded me of the first time I had sex with a woman and how I thought “oh my god, this is what I should have been doing my whole life.” Except that instead of coming home to my sexuality, slipping on a pair of noise cancelling headphones felt like I could breathe again. I immediately wondered how I had survived 35 years on this noisy overstimulating earth without headphones.
As a late diagnosed autistic it has been interesting to see the ways in which I have so much more sensitive needs now than I did (or at least was aware of) pre-diagnosis. Am I more sensitive now because I’ve stopped gaslighting myself around my sensory needs? Or perhaps because I endured 2+ years of autistic burnout and around the clock sensory pain? Maybe it’s just due to unmasking and actually honoring my sensory needs? While it’s likely a combination of all of these factors, one of the biggest gifts of knowing that I’m autistic is deeply honoring my sensory needs, listening to my body and tending to my sensory needs with so much compassion, understanding and care.
And it’s not always perfect. The truth is that my sensory needs fluctuate depending on where I’m at in my cycle, the amount of spoons I have and depending on my sensory and social battery. Sometimes for example I’m able to do things like read my Kindle when I have more sensory capacity and other times it is a direct line to being visually overstimulated. Likewise, sometimes I can happily watch TV and other times I need to take long breaks from TV, movies and online videos otherwise I get overstimulated. So how do I tend to my sensory needs when honestly sometimes it depends on a variety of factors? I tend to my sensory needs largely by having a lot of self knowledge and trust in my sensory cues. Things that are really helpful for me are knowing:
My sensory profile and that I’m extremely sensory avoidant-specifically to visual and auditory information.
My biggest sensory triggers and how they impact me.
My sensory safety needs and what I need as a bare minimum on a daily basis.
My sensory emergency plan aka what I need to do when I’m sensory overstimulated.
The biggest things that have been supportive for me in my own sensory safety journey have been education, information about my sensory needs and self-trust. I feel like so many autistics and AuDHDers received messages that made them doubt their own sensory experiences. So sometimes one of the most healing things we can do for our sensory safety is to begin to rebuild that self trust. That could look like:
Validating that our sensory needs matter.
Noticing and trusting our sensory triggers. Example: “Wow, I get a headache every time I spend time on social media, that’s important sensory information.”
Prioritizing our sensory safety. That could look like making a sensory safety plan, making our sensory well being a part of our daily routine and having clarity on our sensory boundaries aka what we’re not willing to do.
It can be really supportive to slowly do these things, doable step by doable step. Maybe that’s giving yourself permission to write down your sensory needs. Or perhaps that’s validating that you deserve to get your sensory needs met. Or by giving yourself the gift of small sensory breaks or “snacks” throughout the day to support your sensory wellness.
I’m sharing all of this as a currently overstimulated autistic human. The past few weeks I’ve been exploring dating apps and I’ve discovered that my sensitive autistic self absolutely rejects dating apps. A little context is that I had decided that while I love the peace and quiet in the country, that it could be supportive to have some in person companionship aka friends or potentially dating. Makes logical sense, right? Except that my darling autistic self gets sensory overstimulated and socially overloaded so quickly. It’s pretty instant and the result is always the same: feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and with a headache that lasts for days.
I’m sharing this because it feels important to name that it’s okay to make “sensory” mistakes. It’s okay to do something (in my case dating apps) that you thought would be sensory accessible and it turns out that it’s not. It’s okay to do something that you know isn’t sensory ideal but you decided to do it anyway. Then you get to explore your options and ask yourself with so much compassion and grace:
How important is this thing to me? Aka is there a need that you’re wanting to get met through this thing?
Is there a way to make this accessible for my sensory needs?
What do I need to support my sensory needs now?
Something that I’ve found so supportive is to think of tending to my sensory needs as being kind and loving towards my sensory needs. So while asking myself “is this sensory accessible to me?” is a great question, I find that it’s even more helpful when I ask myself: “would this be a kind and loving thing for my sensory needs right now?” For example, right now it’s actually not kind and loving to use a dating app because it is causing me overstimulation and physical pain. That means that I can explore how to meet the need that I want met (in this case connection) in a way that’s more kind and loving to my sensory needs.
Part of sensory safety is also making space for things that feel sensory good! Perhaps that’s exploring your sensory glimmers or things that feel sensory good to you. It might be supportive to make a list of sensory delicious things that feel good to you and tape that list somewhere you’ll see it everyday. Then you could choose 1-2 sensory good things to do daily.
In case you’re new here: it’s Baby Goat Season and my mom’s goat farm just up the road from me has some very cute baby goats! So here is this week’s cute baby goat! It’s technically a goat from a few seasons ago but I couldn’t resist.
I’m excited to share with you two new blog posts I wrote this week in The Queer Autistic Blog:
I’m Autistic and Here’s How I Respond to Ableist Comments: I loved writing this post because I get asked a lot by clients how to respond to ableist comments and I love being able to say “ohhh, have I told you about the Holy Ableism Protocol?” Read more to learn my step by step protocol for ableist comments.
5 Kind Things To Do For Yourself During Autistic Burnout: This blog post is all about bringing autistic affirming kindness and care to your autistic burnout recovery. If you’re in autistic burnout (or have a loved one who is) I hope these tips and practices are supportive!
If you’re seeking more autistic burnout recovery support, you can buy my 52 page fillable The Autistic Burnout Recovery Guide here!
Queer Autistic Business Corner:
Part of my goal as a queer and autistic business owner is to make my business very supportive for my autistic needs and the slow life that I’m building-as well as supporting my clients with lots of depth, attunement and care. I’m excited to share some new ways to work with me:
The Autistic Mentorship got an upgrade to better support my clients. This is my signature program designed for late identified autistic and AuDHD adults and teens. The upgraded version includes: support for 5 months, 3 coaching calls a month (for a total of 14 calls), a bonus call to be used as needed and neurodivergent resources sent to you as needed. You can learn more here. I love love love The Autistic Mentorship and I highly encourage you to read the experiences of past clients to learn what the experience is like. So many past clients share how life changing this type of support is.
Slow. Slow is my new 6 month somatic coaching program that I’m really excited about. Slow is a mixture of trauma resolution and somatic coaching to support you in creating a loving relationship with your body, sexuality and neurodivergence. I believe that miracles happen when we get to be in spaces that honor our own unique healing timeline, receive attuned support and get steady care. In this program you’ll receive consistent dosages of two sessions a month plus an optional 30 minute check in call each month. To read more about slow you can head here.
The Joy Corner:
Apparently April is coming in with a bang! Here in lovely Massachusetts we got to have a snowstorm AND two earthquakes in the same week! The joy part of this update is that me and the cats are thankfully all okay and we didn’t lose our electricity this time. Although my cats were NOT pleased by the house shaking.
I read this sweet sapphic Hollywood romance called For Her Consideration and I really enjoyed it! I’m also reading Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport and learning about how to take a minimalistic approach to tech usage.
This week’s delights: naps with my cats, eating yummy soups and fresh baked bread, seeing cute goats, taking really bad selfies with Bianca (my mom’s livestock guardian dog), getting my blunt bangs back and staring at the gorgeous snowy view.
Thank you for reading!
I hope this weekend is nourishing and delightful! As always, if you enjoyed this newsletter please feel free to share any reflections in the comments or to share with someone who you think might enjoy it.
Warmly,
