'Tis The Season....For Shutdowns.
On shutdowns, honoring my autistic needs and things I want to share with you.
This year on Christmas Eve I remember thinking “I really hope I don’t get into a shutdown on Christmas.”
For the past two years I’ve known that groups (aka 2+ people plus myself) are disabling to me. My analytical brain would tell you that groups are disabling due to a combination of it feeling overwhelming to process what two people are saying + getting sensory overstimulated. But my autistic body doesn’t care so much about the why and just starts internally shrieking: “Too much, too much, TOO MUCH!” before I’m dissociating and it’s Shutdown City. In case you’ve never experienced a shutdown-it’s truly not a fun way to spend one’s time and it’s specifically not a fun way to spend one’s Christmas.
Last year I spent my Christmas and New Year’s with my now ex-girlfriend. We cooked yummy meals, watched action movies on Netflix, opened presents and it was so delightfully accessible because it was only me and one other person. With the rest of my family I celebrated Christmas with each person one on one-which was also really lovely. I chose not to that this year because I’m currently living in my mother’s house while my darling sweet autistic sanctuary house is being built and it felt kind of rude to retreat to the basement and avoid family. I also had this hope that maybe just maybe small groups (me, my mom and my brother) would be more accessible since I’m living in the middle of the woods and not sensory overstimulated 24/7. Spoiler: I 100% got into a shutdown on Christmas Day.
Sometimes I think back to myself pre-autistic burnout and pre-unmasking and I wonder: “How come I used to be able to do so many things that now feel disabling?”
I have a lot of past experiences in groups. Before becoming a coach I was an ESL teacher and a yoga teacher-my job was literally teaching groups! All of my coach trainings have also been groups. I sometimes look back and wonder if the reason that some things I used to be able to do are now incredibly disabling is because:
I spent years cycling in and out of severe autistic burnout and have actually lost some skills.
It wasn’t that those things were easy for me, it was more that I was masking a lot and masking my pain and the cost of doing those things.
Unmasking has meant I’m no longer able to tolerate specific things that I used to force myself to tolerate because I thought something was wrong with me. Shame was a powerful motivator for me to mask in the past.
I honestly feel like it was a combination of the above and that’s okay. What’s important is to identify the things that are disabling to me now as a late diagnosed autistic person and to just not do them.
So I spent my Christmas in a shutdown and then two days after recovering with bone dreary fatigue.
I’m so grateful for having a very specific Autistic Shutdown Protocol so I could immediately do exactly what I needed to do to recover from my shutdown. There was a moment when I felt so much frustration for the fact that groups are so disabling to me. That even if I’m so f*cking regulated, have my headphones on and am in a quiet environment-that I still get into a shutdown. Not being able to do groups really does have a negative impact on my life, it limits my access to community, events I’d love to attend and professional development (almost all trainings are group trainings.) There was moment when I was in the depth of my shutdown on Christmas Day that I heard this frustrated internal voice say “Ugg, why am I like this?”
Whoah.
The thing is I care so deeply about that voice, about that frustration, about the internalized ableism that pops up. What I’m so grateful for from my personal and professional healing practice is the automatic way I turn towards that voice and say: “I care about this so much.”
I care about that voice that feels frustrated and turns to internalized ableist messages.
I care so much about getting my connection needs met in a way that’s accessible and honors my autistic needs.
I care so much about my autistic self saying “the cost is not worth celebrating holidays with family, we’re never doing this again.”
I care so much being so compassionate towards my needs.
I really f*cking care and I love that about myself. It’s meant that I’ve been so tender with myself in my shutdown recovery, doing way less, receiving care from autistic loved ones who just get it and being so patient with my shutdown.
So while being in a shutdown during Christmas wasn’t ideal-it was a big reminder to not do things that are disabling to me-*even if my pre-unmasked and pre-burnout self could do them without going into a shutdown or a meltdown.* One of the biggest things I’ve learned from unmasking and navigating being autistic in an allistic world is to trust my autistic self. By trusting my autistic self I mean trusting and honoring my autistic body, my autistic nervous system and my autistic boundaries. It’s listening to my body’s cues and *whenever possible* not doing things that are disabling because that’s not kind to my autistic self.
My wishes for you in 2024 are: that you are so kind and loving towards your neurodivergent needs and desires. That life feels deliciously accessible and just good. That you have fun middle of the night stim breaks in your living room. That you explore ways you can make life even 2% more accessible. That you get to info dump all about your special interest to a loved one. That you get to be in environments that are sensory and socially safe-and that you have so many experiences where you feel seen, appreciated and cherished.
Things I want to tell you:
My house is getting closer to being ready which is both exciting but also a bit scary because CHANGE!
My mom told me that the stocking I made for her is the BEST STOCKING OF HER LIFE and I love that so much. I made little notes on each stocking stuffer from her cats and farm animals :)
At my request my brother gifted me a doormat that says “I hope you love Taylor Swift and Cats” and I really hope future visitors are ready to be info dumped on those two topics.
I’ve been making this vegan loaf for holidays for years and it is comfort food at it’s finest.
I made a 52 page fillable Autistic Burnout Guide and if you feel called you can purchase it here. I love talking about autistic burnout and it’s been a topic that I’ve been wanting to do a deeper dive on for years because there’s so much to say! In the guide I breakdown what I consider the 3 steps for autistic burnout recovery: 1.) practical steps 2.) deeper support and 3.) designing a life that’s supportive for your autistic self. There are many fillable sheets for you to identify burnout triggers, practical + deeper support, autistic boundaries and clarity on designing a life that’s autistic accessible. I hope it’s a wondeful support for you in your autistic burnout recovery journey.
My New Year’s Eve plan is to watch The Era’s Tour and then to reflect on this past year by writing letters to my 2023 self. I really enjoy celebrating all the wins, big and small moments from the year that’s closing-and creating intentions for the coming year. Do you have any special NYE rituals or things you like to do?
I am wishing you a wonderful rest of this year! I hope you make space for rest and experiences + things that are nourishing and feel delightful.
Big big same. Holidays are the autistic gauntlet of hell