When it's not worth the cost.
Just because we can do something, doesn't mean we should. Plus a goat picture and queer things that made my heart happy.
Dear lovely human,
I think a lot of late identified neurodivergents have been stuck in survival mode for awhile now. By survival mode I mean not getting their basic needs met (especially neurodivergent specific needs.)
I say this as someone who is still unpacking the ways I spent years stuck in survival mode and also as a coach who works with a lot of autistic clients who are in autistic burnout (which is so often from years and years of consistent unmet needs.)
{Also this isn’t only specific to neurodivergent folks, many people can be stuck in survival mode for a wide variety of reasons but I see it a LOT with late diagnosed neurodivergent people.}
I spent years (aka my whole life apart from the last two years) having so many unmet needs and really struggling with things that seemed so “basic.” It felt like I kept trying so hard to be a good adult and failing miserably. I’m sharing this because I used to do this thing where I would say yes to doing something even though I knew:
That I was going to hate it.
That it was going to cause me pain or be overwhelming.
That I would have to spend a lot of time recovering from it.
I often would do The Thing because it was expected of me, because I thought I had to do it or because I was worried what would happen if I didn’t. Yes, there was a shit ton of masking and people pleasing going on. Part of my personal unmasking and healing journey has been to stop doing The Thing when it’s not accessible, when it’s painful or when it feels like Autistic Hell.
Speaking of Autistic Hell…
I’ve been back in my apartment for a little over a week and I hate it so much here. The month I had spent living in the country at my mom’s house felt like the most delicious haven, I could feel my body relax and get used to sensory ease. I got used to being around nature, walking up the road to visit my friend Capella (Capella is a very soulful goat that I have decided is my friend), checking in on my house and just feeling the deep exhale all throughout my body.
The Plan was for me to spend the next two months in the city and move to the country in August when my house will hopefully be ready. But after a week of getting woken up to sensory overload and constant loud noises (car beeps, motorcycles revving their engines, buses beeping, trains going by) I came to the conclusion:
This is not worth what this will cost me.
Having my own space is simply not worth being constantly overstimulated and it’s certainly not worth Depression and Autistic Burnout making a re-appearance. There is a lot of privilege in being able to say “no, I will absolutely not do this” because I have options and the resources to leave. Not everyone has that option and I really wish everyone did-we all deserve safe neurodivergent affirming spaces.
But I think that for a lot of late diagnosed autistics it can become a pattern to say “I’ll do it and then just recover” or “I can do it” when the “I can” means a shutdown, meltdown or even deeper autistic burnout. Unfortunately, we don’t all have the resources to stop doing things that are harmful to our health. But when we do I think the most loving thing we can do for ourselves is say “You know what? I could do that but the cost is too great so I’m not going to.”
Saying “the cost is too great” is another way of saying:
I matter so damn much.
My needs matter.
My wellness matters.
I deserve to get my needs met.
As someone who experienced neglect and trauma growing up, it has been beautiful to tend to my worthiness-especially in connection to my autistic wellness and health. Things like being largely off of social media, moving back to my mom’s home for a few months and having even better boundaries in business and life. These things to me feel like such an important part of both unmasking and tending to my worthiness blueprint.
So if you feel like answering (even for yourself), I’m curious: “what are some things in your life that cost too much?” What might you stop doing? Or what are some things you might start doing to support yourself even more?
Moving & the dreaded change.
I have moved 20+ times and I am awful at it. Not only am I truly awful at moving but I hate it so much-also moving means CHANGE and my autistic self hates change so so much. I’m going to be prioritizing my nervous system health even more this month, taking small and doable steps and celebrating all the steps I take.
Queer things that have made my queer heart so darn happy🏳️🌈
I read this sapphic romance Just As You Are and loved it very much! It has butch representation (yeah!) and is a queer retelling of Pride and Prejudice. How cool is that?
I usually do not like reality TV but I have really enjoyed The Ultimatum: Queer Love (Netflix) so much but I also have so many thoughts! Like the whole “problem” could be solved with polyamory? Why can’t we get queer shows where queer couples know how to communicate? Why would you give your partner an ultimatum to get married and then take them on a show so you can go on dates in front of each other?? I highly recommend watching with someone else to discuss and laugh! Also the Autostraddle recaps are the best.
Reading old Curve magazines in the library that I very much read as a baby gay teen.
Office & personal updates:
I am currently 100% off of Instagram until I move because I just don’t have the capacity to move AND make content. So the only content I’m making is this newsletter and it will likely only be seen by those who subscribe or wander upon it somehow. I kind of enjoy the simplicity of that :)
I love my 1:1 private coaching practice and it’s such a gift supporting my clients. I’m taking a brief break from marketing on social media (because The Move) but you can apply to work with me here.
I’m taking a somatic embodiment and regulation course and I’m excited to share some of the tools with my clients in the upcoming months.
My cat Luna has become a therapy cat and is on my lap in every therapy session I have which has been so loving and sweet.
Thank you for being here!
If you enjoyed this newsletter, please feel free to share, comment or like it.
Wishing you lots of rest, queer & neurodivergent joy and lots of deliciousness this weekend.
Love,
Tiffany