Leaning into safe enough conditions.
The big and small questions I'm asking myself.
Dear reader, I unintentionally took almost a month off since my last post due to a mixture of a holiday break and tech feeling too sensory overloading for me. This piece that you’re about to read was written over the course of the past few weeks and I decided to share it today. I want to name that for many readers, political news (such as related to yesterday’s presidential inauguration) might bring up very real feelings of not feeling safe. So I want to just share that it is not my interest to bypass either my (or anyone else’s) very real feelings and experiences around safety right now. But instead to lean into different areas of support and questions around creating safe enough conditions (even when there are some very real unsafe conditions happening collectively and individually.) Sending lots of care to you. -Tiffany
Commitment to care.
Like many parts of the United States, here in Massachusetts we’ve been hit with a cold front with icy temperatures and strong winds. All week I’ve been peering at the trees while they sway in the wind and hoping they’ll be okay1. But almost each night I put on my winter coat over my dress, stick my bare feet into my muck boots and step outside to look at the moon and stars. Even when it’s icy cold, sometimes even for a minute I step outside and stare at the stars and moon in wonder. I hear the trees groan as the wind moves them and the icy cold nips at my bare legs. But this steady ritual gives me so much joy, I sometimes find myself laughing through the cold and just being so grateful for this land, for this sky, for this moon.
I’ve been doing this not just because one of my 2025 intentions is to go outside every single day (rain, shine or ice cold temperatures) even if it just for a minute but because it’s one of the most resourcing things I can do for my sensitive nervous system. Even though my Christmas and New Year celebrations ended up being socially distanced ones for the most part (due to family members being sick or living with people who got sick), I started getting very sensory overloaded two weeks ago due to having engaged with too much tech. A few months ago I subscribed to a TV streaming platforms and while my ADHD was having the time of her life watching TV in the evenings, the increased screen time (both TV and kindle reading) was simply too much for my lovely sensory avoidant autistic self. The truth is that looking back I can track the warning signs that I missed because it hadn’t gotten so bad yet and there were so many other variables. Sometimes when I notice that something is off, it’s hard to immediately know the source. While I wish that I had an AuDHDer Fairy Godmother to whisper to me “darling, it’s the TV that’s making you overstimulated”, it unfortunately falls to me to do the investigating.
Sensory emergency land.
When I finally arrive to the danger land of a very clear sensory emergency, my body is extremely clear. My eyes start burning when I look at screens, I get instant headaches and feel nauseated, I feel a bone dreary fatigue that means I can’t do things I really love doing like working out or cooking nourishing meals. This time it happened two weeks before I was due to start a very intensive somatic trauma resolution training, consisting of three days of five hours daily on Zoom. So I knew that I needed to heal from my sensory overload as soon as possible. So I did very simple things that I knew would create the conditions I needed to support me in recovering from my sensory overload. First I removed things that were very clearly not good for my sensory wellness which looked like:
No watching of TV or using Kindle.
Limiting computer and phone time as much as possible.
Sensory breaks before/after using necessary tech.
Starting a 6 month social media break from Instagram and Facebook.
Permission to do less.
But I also added things that were supportive and nourishing like:
Reading books from the library.
Going outside for 1-5 minutes in the evening to stare at the sky.
Going to bed early.
Doing nervous system regulation practices that I know support me.
I’m delighted to report that I’m currently writing this on my computer and feeling pretty darn good! I just completed the first module of my training and while it was a lot of screen time, it felt manageable and doable. I took breaks, had my camera largely off and adding so much supportive care. Whether we’re tending to our sensory needs, engaging in any type of healing or self care it’s so important to focus on what are the safe conditions we need. Instead of focusing on just what you want to “weed” or remove, can you also make sure you add the types of care and support that will nourish you? Maybe that’s self care rituals, co-regulation with loved ones or your go-to supportive practices.
But is it sustainable?
A few years ago I very nervously sent out an email to my then clients and said that I would be shifting audio only Zoom sessions. At the time I was deep in autistic burnout and there was just no way I could continue coaching with video calls. I’m so grateful that all of my clients were fine with the switch and at first it felt like a huge relief.
But it became apparent to me that there was still one little problem:
I was still having to stare at a screen!
So I eventually switched to audio only phone calls sessions which felt like exactly what my nervous system needed. In my experience sometimes we take a step or make a decision that’s almost what we need but not quite it. Which can be confusing because it means that we might experience some positive impacts (in my case: relief and less sensory overload) and yet, it’s still not the exact fit for what we need. Which is why it’s so great to explore and then check in with ourselves: “is this meeting my need? Or is there something else that would be a better fit?”2
The truth is that I can do video calls-I just can’t be consistent with them. I’ll occasionally do sessions with my therapist via Zoom but:
Whether it’s weeks or a few months I’ll eventually be at a place where the screen is making my eyes burn and I’m finding myself spending the majority of my session looking away and closing my eyes.
Healing is harder when I’m having to focus on eye contact, the brightness or the screen and the corresponding overload.
So with my private coaching clients I know that I would have to cancel a LOT of sessions if I had to do video sessions. It’s an accommodation I need and that also means that it doesn’t work for some people. Which makes sense: my accommodations aren’t always a fit for other people. But in order for me to be able to serve my clients, I really need to make my business accessible and sustainable for my neurodivergent needs. This year I’m leaning into the question of "is this sustainable for me?” in different areas of my life.
Can I investigate my own safe enough conditions?
For folks who have a history of trauma and significant overwhelm (or both!) it can often feel challenging to even know what our safe enough conditions might look like. Sometimes we might not even know what safety could look or feel like. Which is why it can be helpful to investigate our own safety needs in small doable pieces. When I was newly diagnosed, I remember having absolutely no idea what my autistic needs were, never mind how to advocate for them3. So like many other autistics I started to explore by listening to other autistics talk about what worked for them. I then would experiment and see what worked for me in small steps. I didn’t learn about noise cancelling headphones and poof start wearing them everywhere. That honestly would have been too big of a step for me, instead I explored wearing them at home for small periods at a time, gradually building up to wearing them for longer periods and outside my house.
When I realized I was queer, I didn’t immediately make my “Big Gay Announcement” social media post. Nope, instead I started off by talking about how much I loved sapphic romances on my social media and came out to close friends and family. I hired a coach, I consumed a lot of queer books and gave myself space to integrate coming out later in life. I consistently asked myself “what does my queer self need right now?” and that led me to small and doable ways I could create more safety and support in my life.
This year I’m wanting to lean in and ask myself what small doable steps I need for life to feel safe and sustainable-as a queer autistic sensory avoidant woman and business owner. Some questions that I’m asking myself are:
What layers of support would feel nourishing for me?
What rhythms create the most sustainable health for me? By health I mean physical, emotional and mental health.
What do I want less of? What do I want more of?
What are the sensory conditions that I need to thrive?
What’s the right dosage to keep me in that sweet spot of not sensory overstimulated and not sensory understimulated?
What’s the queer care and community I’m wanting to call in?
I don’t have the answers to all of these questions and I’m letting that be okay. I’m giving myself gentle permission to explore, to try things out, to make mistakes and correct my course when needed. Instead of feeling like I need to have the “perfect” answers, I’m giving myself permission to lean into these questions and explore different types of safe conditions.
Personal & business corner updates:
My cat had a medical procedure and knows has an undercut and officially looks like the coolest cat ever. Grateful that she still lets me share “her” office chair. P.S. Any cat parent knows the chair was never really mine and very much belongs to her
I’m taking another 6 month social media break from Facebook and Instagram :)
Feeling grateful for the wildlife and nature that surrounds me. Today I woke up to beautiful snow and yesterday I saw a barn own perching on a tree right outside my living room window (I loveee owls!)
I’m excited to share a new somatic coaching program with you! Coming Home is a 6 month somatic trauma resolution program that is open for enrollment. I’m excited to offer this program to folks who are desiring somatic support as they come home to their bodies, identities and authentic selves. Using ReBloom coaching (an archetypal somatic trauma resolution methodology created by Rachael Maddox) we’ll support your post traumatic growth journey with a personalized coaching program created just for you and monthly somatic sessions. You can learn more and check out the program here.
Thank you for being here and for reading this newsletter.
I appreciate you and I’m glad you’re here.
Sending care,
Tiffany
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Hi, I’m Tiffany.
I’m a queer late diagnosed AuDHDer and a twice certified somatic coach who lives in the woods with my two adorable cats. I love supporting clients in coming home to their authentic selves and creating a life that they love. You can find out how to work with me here.
I have several trees that I am very attached too and would be upset if they fell over.
It’s important to also add that sometimes that first “sort of a fit but not totally” step might be the next doable step we need to take. It might have felt like a LOT for my nervous system to ask clients to switch to audio phone calls and what I needed was to make the change a bit more slowly. So permission to make changes in small doable steps and to trust that you’ll find your way to that sweet spot.
I was also deep in autistic burnout at the time so I was very much in survival mode.