On Living Under That Double Rainbow🌈🌈
On being Queer and Autistic-and why I'm in very good company.
It’s early 2020 and I’m standing in my apartment in my beloved small conservative Spanish town and saying out loud to myself“I’m a lesbian.” Nothing dramatic had really happened at that point to have me land on that decision. I hadn’t fallen in love with a woman, hell I hadn’t even met any local queer people while living in the small and conservative Spanish town that I was living in at the time. I had no idea that Lesbian TikTok even existed and I had never heard the term “late blooming lesbian” in my life. Instead I realized I was a lesbian in the simplest way, I was taking a course on pleasure after trauma and through exploring my sexual yums and yucks1 I realized that all my sexual yums were about women (and all my sexual yucks were related to sleeping with men.)
But it wasn’t exactly a shock. I had initially come out as a lesbian when I was 15 but due to factors like C-PTSD and receiving an invalidating response from my only parent I alternated between identifying as bisexual (while only dating men) and believing that I had made a “mistake” due to trauma2. But I knew what the process of coming out was like and I had in fact had a very gay upbringing. I had already had the classic “gay haircut” when I was in my pre-teen years, I had gone on a date with a girl to a fundraising ball for our very queer dojo (she wore a suit, I wore a white gown), I had started reading the beloved classic “Dykes to Watch Out For” when I was a pre-teen and even gone to a LGBTQ youth support group. While coming out as an adult was challenging in a very unique way, I’ve often wondered if it didn’t feel as challenging because it was essentially the second time I had done this.
But coming out later in life was still challenging. It reminded me of the first time I had traveled to Spain where I imagined that I’d learn Spanish quickly and be a confident and brave traveler. Instead I got lost my first day there, sprained my ankle and spent my first weeks getting around on crutches3. While coming out as a lesbian later in life was likely a little easier because of having come out before as a pre-teen, it was still hard. It felt like I was learning another language-especially considering that I had spent the last 13+ years in Spain and speaking Spanish. I remembered thinking “what the hell was a “thirst trap” anyway?” and having to educate myself around all the new language. But I took time to educate myself, I invested a lot of time doing queer centering healing practices, I worked with a queer life coach, I started dating women and a year after coming out I got to a place where I just felt so damn good and confident in my queerness.
Which is when my dear pal Undiagnosed Autism popped her head up and said surprise! If learning that I was a lesbian later in life felt like moving to a foreign country, learning that I was Autistic felt like going to another planet. A planet where I got to learn that there was nothing “wrong” with me, I was just Autistic. It was both exciting, validating and incredibly overwhelming. Like many other late identified Autistics and AuDHDers I also realized that I was Autistic because I was in severe Autistic burnout. It was incredibly disabling to lose skills and to experience so much fatigue that I had to rely on others for things like cooking and grocery shopping because I had no energy. I’m not going to lie: realizing that I was a lesbian and then learning a year later that I was Autistic while being smack in the middle of Autistic Burnout was a lot. I think something that both late blooming queers and late identified Autistics have in common is that after realizing such big important information about yourself there’s then a sense of “okay, now what?” Which is why I absolutely love supporting late blooming queers and late identified Autistics and AuDHDers in my coaching practice and I’m so grateful for all the amazing educators, coaches and therapists who create queer & neurodivergent affirming resources.
The truth is that my story isn’t exactly unique. It’s incredibly common for later in life LGBTQIA+ adults to come out and then realize they’re neurodivergent or vice versa. That could be because realizing our queerness later in life means we begin to explore other areas of our life (such as neurodivergence), we listen to the powerful narratives of neurodivergent and queer folks on social media sharing their experiences or we discover important information about ourselves as we unmask. We also know through research4 that genderqueer adults are 3-6 times more likely to be diagnosed as Autistic and Autistics are 2-3 times more likely to be gay, lesbian or bisexual. It's important to note that these studies are with individuals with an official medical diagnosis and we know that there are many undiagnosed Autistic adults and self identified Autistics, so the data from this research is likely quite conservative. But why is this data even important? Here are a few reasons:
You’re in good Neuroqueer company! On a very basic level I think it can be comforting to know that there is a large community of neurodivergent queers to connect with aka if you’re queer and neurodivergent-you’re in very good company!
LGBTQIA+ Autistics and AuDHDer children and adults face specific concerns. For example, perhaps you have to make the choice between using a binder which will support your body dysphoria but doing so means you’re going to experience sensory discomfort. Another example is Pride celebrations: do you attend Pride to celebrate your queer identity even if it’s not accessible for your Autistic needs? There are unfortunately a lot of examples where LGBTQIA+ Autistics must make the choice between tending to the queer identity or their neurodivergence.
Accessible Communication. For LGBTQIA+ individuals it might be challenging to access important services (such as gender affirming care) when there is a lack of understanding around how Autistics communicate and/or communication barriers that Autistics face. I also believe that a lack of education around Autism and things like our communication needs can create barriers to accessing safe queer spaces.
The Double Rainbow. LGBTQIA+ Autistics are referred to as living under a “Double Rainbow.” We know that holding multiple marginalized identities means that there’s an increase in minority stress. LGBTQIA+ Autistics might also struggle to find support that centers both their queerness and neurodivergence.
So how can we support our queer and neurodivergent selves? I honestly think it’s a combination of education, community, queer and neurodivergent attuned support and exploring ways in which our queerness and neurodivergence can be supported. Perhaps that’s finding a queer and neurodivergent affirming therapist or coach who truly gets it. Or mapping out ways you can get both your queer and Autistic needs met. Something I like to ask myself is “what does my queerness need right now?” and “what would be the kindest thing for my Autistic self right now?” The reality is that sometimes one identity might take priority over another. I’m a perfect example of this. I chose to leave a very queer affirming city to move to the middle of the woods because that was what my Autistic self needed and I knew that I personally could not survive the sensory hell of a noisy city. It was 100% the right choice to make and I’m also currently feeling isolated from the local queer community that I know exists in the rural communities close to me. So right now I’m exploring the question of: “how can I tend to my queerness and need for queer community in a way that’s accessible for my Autistic self and needs?”
Maybe the best thing we can do is to lean into these questions together. To share experiences, to tell a dear Queer Autistic friend “omg, I experience that too!” and to be so sweet, kind and caring to our beloved queerness and neurodivergence.
The Queer Autistic Blog:
I write 2-3 blog posts a week on my blog called The Queer Autistic Blog. Here are the latest posts!
When You’re Neurodivergent and Sleep is Hard: Head to this blog post is you want to know why sleep is so hard if you’re Autistic or an ADHD and 5 doable ways to support your sleep as a neurodivergent person.
4 Autistic Accessible Ways to Celebrate Pride: Speaking of being Queer and Autistic! I wrote this blog post because so many Pride celebrations aren’t accessible to disabled folks-including those of us who are neurodivergent. Head to the blog post to learn 4 ways you can celebrate Pride in a very Autistic accessible way.
5 Tips for Late Diagnosed Autistic Support and Care: An alternative title was “There’s an Autistic Reason for That!” There are specific needs that many late identified Autistic and AuDHD adults have and I share 5 doable ways you can support yourself if you’re a late identified Autistic or AuDHDer.
Personal & Business Shares.
I have a lawn now (or at least I will in a few months when the lawn begins to grow) which is very exciting! For those new here: I moved into my darling house in the middle of the woods in February. Also Autistic Win: I told the landscaper that I’m Autistic and that beeps were a meltdown trigger and he disconnected the back-up beep in his truck. Yeah for advocating for my needs!
I’m enrolling new clients in my programs The Autistic Mentorship and The Intro Coaching Program. If you’re seeking attuned Autistic and Queer centering support + coaching, I’d love to chat about if working together would be a good fit. If you enjoy the content you see here and are curious about what personalized support might look like you can head to my website, learn what each offer includes and send in a coaching application. Accessibility note: do you have a challenging time with phone call sessions? For all of my coaching programs I also offer coaching via audio/text messages on Voxer or email coaching. Reach out if you'd like more information!
Recent joys: watching Mr. Squiggly Pants grow very fast (he’s a baby goat on my Mom’s farm), eating yummy food and going for long walks in nature.
Thank you for reading!
I appreciate you being here and I hope you enjoyed today’s newsletter. Please feel free to share it with someone who you think might appreciate it, to “like” it or share a comment. I love connecting with you all in the comments-and in typical slow fashion it might take me a bit to respond but I always will :)
Sending care + queer autistic joy,
Tiffany
The course was called Journey to Pleasure and taught by Emily Beatrix. Emily is also on Substack and is a great person to follow/subscribe to!
Something I’ve talked a lot about on social media is that a lot of us queer folks have been invalidated when we’ve come out and received comments that “it’s just trauma” or (insert your invalidating comment here.) Sometimes there’s trauma and we’re queer. Like maybe you do have trauma from sexual trauma and you’re also just gay. So if you come out to someone and they try to say “you’re not gay, you just have trauma” remember that not only is someone telling you what your identity is incredibly invalidating, it’s also super ridiculous. I’ve been invalidated in my sexuality and I’m at the current point where I find it really laughable that someone would claim to know better than me my sexuality. It took me YEARS to get here but seeing invalidation as ridiculous (as well as hurtful and harmful) has been helpful for me personally.
I love being Autistic and I have a horrible sense of direction. I’ve gotten lost in hallways multiple times-as well as many places. Please know that the fact that I lived in a foreign country for 13+ years really only means I’ve gotten lost frequently in a foreign country. Also getting lost is funny now but it’s also incredibly scary and frustrating when it happens.
This data comes from an excellent Masterclass in the Neurodivergent Insights Nook called “Exploring Neuroqueer Identities.” I suggest reading this bog post “Trans and Autism” and “Autism and Sexual Diversity” both by Neurodivergent Insights.
Thank you for writing about this! I identify as a neuroatypical lesbienne and this piece talked to me a lot. I was queer long before I realized I was also neuro queer and yet, I realized that I have to listen and respect my physical limitations otherwise I can’t function at all, especially as queer!