Queer homecoming musings.

On coming out and coming in.

Dearest reader, in honor of Coming Out Day on October 11th (the day I’m writing this newsletter) and International Lesbian Day (October 8th) I’m sharing some reflections on coming out as a lesbian later in life and what it has looked like to come home to my queerness. I hope you enjoy it! I’ll also be sharing a bit about an upcoming class I’m teaching called Practical Magic-check out more information on that below. Thank you for being here.

When I think about coming out I remember fondly the bathroom mirror in my small apartment in Segovia, Spain and me just looking at my reflection and saying “I’m a lesbian.” I didn’t magically fall in love with a woman or have TikTok’s¹ algorithm announce my queerness to me. My journey to realizing that I was gay was instead beautiful in it’s simplicity. I had taken a course² on pleasure after trauma and one of the exercises was identifying your sexual yum’s and yucks. So incredibly simple and it led me to have that “holy fuck, all my yums are about women” realization. In a way I like that my personal coming out story is about giving myself permission to trust my authentic pleasure and my sexual likes and dislikes. But coming out as a lesbian later in life was honestly a bit complicated by the whole pandemic and then moving back to the U.S. after spending many years living in Spain. So at first I just come out to myself, my close friends and family.

By the time Coming Out Day arrived I had done things like going on queer dating apps, “hinting” that I was queer on Instagram by going on and on about my favorite sapphic romances and getting the femme version of a “gay haircut” (aka a bob.) There were a lot of reasons why it made sense to publicly share with all of my Instagram followers, colleagues, loved ones and more that I was a lesbian on Coming Out Day. But I just wasn’t ready. I still felt really tender about coming out later in life, it still felt like a lot and I was doing a lot of queer healing work on things like tending to my queer inner kid and making space for the grief that had surfaced after coming out later in life. So I honored my unique timing and came out “publicly” on some random day.

I titled my post “Big Gay Announcement Coming Your Way” which I still kind of love. Also I felt SO gay with this haircut…like I would walk down the street and be like “amazing, everyone knows that I’m super gay.” I laugh now because honestly people did not clock me as a lesbian but it felt good to imagine that they did!

I came out as a lesbian 4+ years ago and my relationship to my queerness has continued to shift and deepen. I no longer have a gay haircut and I’m currently exploring what it means to be a queer femme living in the rural countryside. Looking back I’m so grateful for all the small and big ways that I tended to my newly out self. Like whoah, I showed up with so much fierce love, devotion and care through the tender, exciting and hard moments. But what I’m also deeply grateful for are all the ways in which I’ve come home (and continue to come home) to my queerness. That will look different in different seasons of my life and I love that. In honor of Coming Out Day I thought I’d share a few practices & resources that have been deeply supportive in my own queer homecoming:

1. Tending to my queer inner child. You can read 5 Queer Inner Child Practices on my blog for more information.

2. Connecting to queer history and queer ancestors. There are so many great resources for this such as books, events, social media and more! Did you know that there are queer heroes coloring books?!

3. Surrounding yourself with queer resources! Here are my favorite sapphic books and here are 10 queer movies and books that give me queer joy.

4. Making space for queer joy and celebration! Maybe that’s throwing yourself a coming out party, celebrating your queer self or playing the compliment game with some queer besties³.

   

   In 2021 me and my “lesbro” at the time threw a Lesbro Day Celebration on Valentine’s Day…including cake, corsages and presents! While I haven’t celebrated Lesbro Day again, I do make sure to celebrate my coming out anniversary every year :)

5. Rewriting a new sexual story-one that’s super queer and sex positive. So many of us have grown up receiving beliefs and messages around sexuality & queerness (compulsory heterosexuality, anyone?) that just really aren’t supportive. It can be so supportive to identify your current beliefs and then to write a new sexual story-one that’s queer and sex positive. If you’d like a free workbook on this, just email me :)

6. Connect with the queer community! If you’re also autistic it can be supportive to brainstorm ways to connect with the queer community that are also accessible and supportive of your needs.

What are some supportive ways you’ve tended to your queerness?

I’m excited to be teaching this upcoming class! I’ve experienced both in my own life and in my work with autistic clients how life changing practical tools, support and accommodations can be. I’m calling this class Practical Magic because sometimes a super practical tool can feel magical. Like “Wow, I’m not so sensory overloaded all the time now” or “life feels a lot easier and supportive.” Steady steps and practical supportive can make huge and important shifts. Join us! We’ll gather together for some grounding exercises, I’ll teach a class on my favorite practical tools and then we’ll do a fun Seeds of Desire practice where we’ll dream big about our deepest and wildest nuerodivergent desires. Tickets are $25. If finances are an issue but you want to come-just send me a message and we’ll figure it out :) You can learn more and register here.

Thanks for reading!

I appreciate you reading this newsletter and being here! I hope you have a lovely Sunday and do something today that feels supportive and nourishing. New here or been here for awhile? Feel free to say hi in the comments :)

Sending care,

Tiffany

Current coaching offers & products:

• The Autistic Mentorship: a 5 month coaching program for late identified Autistics/AuDHDers or those who are exploring their neurodivergence. A mixture of autistic life coaching and somatic support. Three 75 minute calls a month + two 30 minute check in calls + neurodivergent workbooks. There is a sliding fee rate for this offer. Learn more and apply here.

• Slow: a 6 month somatic coaching program with two 90 minute sessions a month, support & two 30 minute check-in support calls. There is a sliding fee rate for this offer, learn more and apply here.

• Sensory Safety & Joy Class: I’m excited to offer this 60 minute class on creating more sensory safety (and joy too!) for Autistic and AuDHDer folks :) It’s a combination of education and optional practices and costs $25. Learn more here. Note: This is a modified version of the class I taught live to some lovely subscribers last month. It includes a few changes and extra slides but the content is fairly similar to the live class.

1. In those days I had no one idea what TikTok even WAS at that point so it was not really a part of my queer coming out journey at all. Although when I finally did go on TikTok it quickly figured out that I was gay.

2. The course was called Journey to Pleasure and taught by the amazing Emily Beatrix.

3. The compliment game is a game I learned for Rachael Maddox and it’s basically where you ask a friend/loved one to compliment you on a specific topic. So for example you could say “Can you please tell me all the things you love about my queerness?” and then for 3 minutes (or whatever amount of time you decide) the person compliments you and you get to just receive. Then you switch!