From garters to muck boots.

Dressing to meet your sensory needs.

Hello dear reader! I’m excited to share this post with you about sensory needs in clothing, specifically my personal journey in unmasking, dressing to meet my sensory needs and musings on past experiences of performing my queer femmeness. I hope you enjoy! Sending care, Tiffany

“This tag makes me want to jump out of my skin!”

I recently had an autistic friend compliment me on my “fantastic sense of style” which felt so good to hear and I immediately shared with her that my sense of style is very connected to my sensory issues. As I write this I’m wearing a super comfortable flowing dress, bra, no underwear (which is a sensory no for me) and my trusty AirPods. Lovely humans, it’s so damn good to dress for your sensory needs! But I haven’t always dressed for my sensory needs and like many undiagnosed autistics have spent my fair share of wearing things that “look good” but feel sensory uncomfortable. It’s been so interesting to see how my style has evolved as I’ve started to unmask and truly honor my sensory needs. In many ways my style has evolved as I’ve started to come home to both my queerness and neurodivergence in deeper ways. Sometimes dressing to meet my sensory needs looks like what I don’t wear (such as polyester fabrics), small changes like cutting off clothing tags and wearing colors that delight me (for me that’s pink and floral designs.)

When I came out as a lesbian exactly one year before realizing that I was autistic¹ I instantly knew that I was a femme lesbian. Looking back I can see that a mixture of masking, people pleasing and performing my femmeness was going on with the end result of wearing a lot of uncomfortable things! I wore garter belts with stockings that looked hot but didn’t really feel comfortable, I bought lacy panties for dates, wore polyester fluffy 1950’s style petticoats under dresses and vintage style dresses that looked great but also felt really uncomfortable when I had to you know sit down. Back then I was marketing my business on TikTok and would get all dressed up-cute dress, makeup, hell sometimes I wore PEARLS and then I would immediately get undressed and put on something that felt more comfortable. The both/and of that time of my life was that it was so much fun to embody my femmeness, to dress up for cute dates that I was actually really attracted to (vs the men who I dated before coming out) and looking back it was also performative and sensory uncomfortable. It took chronic sensory pain and unmasking for me to start dressing a way that was supportive for my sensory needs.

Oh look! It’s baby gay Tiffany in 2021 wearing a vintage dress, garters and a very tight petticoat! My newly out self was in LOVE with garters and tried to ignore the fact that they weren’t exactly comfortable. Also I would like to point out that I wore this on my birthday-IN WINTER.

A huge part of dressing to meet my sensory needs has involved validating that I deserve to feel sensory comfortable in the clothes and accessories that I wear. I also think some outside factors-such as living in the country and being single have been supportive. I’ve gotten to know what type of clothes feel comfortable to me as well as which types of clothing makes me feel connected to my femmeness-without really paying attention to how I’m being perceived. There’s no one to thirst trap or to tell me how much they like an outfit so I get to do that for myself. I pay attention to how clothes feel to me, how I feel wearing makeup vs having a bare face, how cotton is the best material for me and polyester feels slimy on my skin. I give myself permission to not wear something just because it doesn’t feel good. In my experience dressing to meet your sensory needs is ultimately about trusting your sensory experiences and knowing that prioritizing your sensory safety and joy extends to dressing, make-up, hair products, shoes, undergarments and more.

How to dress for your sensory needs:

Every Autistic and AuDHDer is different which means that everyone has different sensory needs when it comes to dressing. For example, I enjoy wearing bras and find them comfortable. However, other autistics might find bras sensory horrible. As a largely sensory avoidant autistic I really enjoy loose fabrics but more sensory seeking folks might prefer constricting clothes that offer some pressure. The best way you can dress for your sensory needs is to get to know your own sensory profile, your sensory triggers and soothers-and then to explore. You might explore:

• What types of clothes feel sensory good to you? Do you prefer dresses, skirts, pants, shirts?

• What fabrics feel sensory good or sensory evil² to you?

• What are some things that you can wear but only for a limited time or for special occasions?

• What are some small things that can create a bit more sensory ease and joy in your clothes?

• Tags? Are they fine for you or do you think they should be banned? Kind of a joke but I would personally love a world without clothing tags!

• What colors feel sensory delightful or good to you?

From garters to muck boots. My favorite look nowadays is a cotton dress with muddy work boots.

“Wait, you go commando?”

I’m going to be honest: I really hate wearing underwear. I’ll wear it if I’m wearing jeans or if I’m going to the nearby city. But for me underwear and jeans are on the same sensory scale. I’ll wear them for a limited time if it meets a specific need. For example I wear jeans when I go for long country walks, it just makes a lot more sense than wearing a dress. But the minute I get back home I IMMEDIATELY take them off. My mom once invited me to dinner and I was like “well, I have to go home and change-I’m wearing jeans.” I dislike how jeans feel around my body and the thought of wearing them at home is very horrifying for me. Underwear just feels very sensory uncomfortable for me and a huge part of dressing to meet my sensory needs is going commando.

So if undergarments feel uncomfortable to you it might be supportive to explore alternatives. Whether that’s researching sensory supportive underwear or simply going without. As a general sensory fashion rule: if an item feels sensory bad when you wear it then it’s really worth it to explore alternative options. You deserve for clothes to feel sensory good to you!

To me dressing to meet my sensory needs is also about pleasure. I feel pleasure and sensory delight in my body when I touch a super soft fabric, when I feel like the flow and comfort of a favorite dress, when comfort and my queer femmeness collide in beautiful ways. The thing I love about exploring sensory needs (including sensory fashion) is that we’re ultimately asking ourselves: “what feels good to me?” and “what doesn’t feel good?” or “what feels painful or uncomfortable to me?” Often the simplicity of asking ourselves “what feels good?” or “what do I like?” can lead us to coming home to our authentic selves. It can lead to life changing moments like “Actually I think I’m queer” or “I realize that I’m sensory avoidant and have specific sensory accommodations.” So if you’re feeling overwhelmed and like you’re not certain where to start, whether about how to dress to meet your sensory needs or any topic, might I suggest getting super simple? What do you like? What do you not like? What are your sensory yes’s and no’s? What feels pleasurable to you? What doesn’t?

I’m excited to share with you this week’s new blog posts!

1.) What’s The Sensory Care That You Need? A deep dive into sensory safety and joy.

2.) 5 Queer Inner Child Practices. An overview of why queer inner child healing is important and 5 doable queer inner child practices.

3.) Thawing Freeze Responses and Bob The Porcupine (I wrote this last week but still a good read!)

Personal & business updates:

🚧 I’m getting a generator installed next week which is EXCITING (living in the country I lose a lot of power) but also disrupts my regular routine and sleep schedule. So grateful for my thick windows and noise cancelling headphones/ear buds.

🥣It’s soup season which I am so excited for! Here is a yummy soup that I love.

🌱I’m currently enrolling clients in both The Intro Coaching Package for new clients who are wanting to explore the type of work I do (three 90 minute sessions + email recaps & practices) and my longer 5 month program The Autistic Mentorship. If you’re desiring queer and autistic centered somatic coaching, trauma resolution work and neurodivergent support-I’d love to chat and see if working together would be a good fit. You can send in a coaching application (this does not lock you into working with me but it helps me see if it could be a potential good fit) or send me an email.

💗If you’re autistic and are currently dating (or thinking about dating) The Autistic Dating Guide might be really supportive. I confess that I have my own copy and it’s a resource that I use and love on a personal level. I’ve been really bad at promoting it but honestly it’s got so much gems: identifying your autistic needs and dating desires, boundary work, sensory safe sex, communicating during dating and sex, scripts (!!), templates for post dates, safety cues worksheets and more! You can learn more and get a copy here.

Thank you for reading.

Sometimes it boggles my mind that there are 350+ readers who read the words I write in this newsletter. Maybe we “met” in the recent class I taught for subscribers, or we’ve chatted in the comments or you just read me in your inbox-thank you for being here. Whether you’re new here or have been subscribed for awhile-please feel free to say hello in the comments, it’s always so much fun to connect with readers.

I hope you have a beautiful Sunday filled with sensory delight, yummy food and lots of coziness.

Warmly,

1. I sometimes still chuckle (with compassion!) about my newly out lesbian self who was like “this is the most life changing change that I’ll ever experience” and then BOOM autistic burnout came knocking at my door and was like “Umm, I have a little surprise for you!”

2. I personally like to use the term “sensory evil” to describe my sensory icks but you can also use sensory icks or sensory no’s.