My queerness is precious to me.
Queerness, our wise nervous system and co-regulating.
Calling all rural queers.
Last summer when I was still on TikTok I sat on a boulder in my front yard and made a video that I titled “Calling all rural queers1.” In it I shared that as a queer autistic woman my neurodivergence absolutely loved living in the rural countryside but that I was thirsty for queer community. While I expected the video to get very little engagement, it shockingly got a few thousand views and lots of comments from folks in the LGBTQIA+ community sharing “I’m queer and I live in the country and here’s what it’s like.” It warmed my heart because the truth is that by moving to the country I prioritized my Autistic needs and my queer needs got placed to the side. Over this past year I’ve witnessed how my nervous system has settled and my autistic wellbeing has bloomed in real and previously unimaginable ways. But my queerness took an unintentional hit and I started to feel a bit disconnected from it.
But the big truth is that: my queerness is precious to me. When I came out as a lesbian in my mid 30’s I consistently tended to my queerness with such devotion, even when inner voices would whisper “you’re not queer enough” or self doubt of my queerness would creep in. When I think back to my journey of coming home to my queerness that’s what most stands out for me. How I showed up for my queerness steadily, in both small and big ways, how I bought my queer inner kid the same YA novels that she had checked out at the library as a pre-teen and how I celebrate my coming out anniversary with cake. So I’ve been feeling into for a while now I want to start to tend to my queerness again now that there’s more capacity in my system2. Right now I’m leaning into two big questions:
How do I show up for my queer community right now?
How do I receive the queer connection, care and community that I’m so thirsty for?
I want to be so honest and very human with you: I’ve spent most of the past year stuck in the double bind of “I want more queer community in my life” and “I can’t find it.” In my case the double bind is connected to some very real autistic needs that make finding queer community challenging. Some of this is sensory difficulties, socializing using up a lot of spoons and finding groups and social media just really hard on my nervous system. But with the current political climate I don’t think I’m the only one who is thirsty for queer connection, care and community. What my queer self is deeply desiring is an intimate group of other queer humans, space to do things like queer centered somatic and nervous system practices, journaling and sharing. A space to co-regulate together, to receive the medicine of togetherness. But the truth is that I’ve never led a group program before and my autistic self isn’t sure if I’m up for it sensory wise. So I’m taking a small doable step and offering a free class to LGBTQIA+ subscribers.
Queer Care Community Class:
Queer Care Community Class is a 2 hour free class for LGBTQIA+ subscribers to The Queer Autistic Newsletter on February 9th at 12pm EST (find your time zone here. While I don’t have the exact structure and topics yet a general structure I’m thinking of is:
Saying hello, checking in.
I’ll guide us through some simple stabilization and grounding practices.
Queer Village practice + sharing.
Queer Core Needs + sharing.
Optional (time permitting): Queer show and tell. Got a new book, outfit, pin or literally anything that brings you queer joy? Bring it and tell us all about it!
End and saying goodbye.
If you went to my previous free class on sensory safety, this class is going to be very different! There will be no powerpoint presentation, instead I’ll guide you through some practices, we’ll share and we’ll connect. Everyone in the queer community is welcome. My nervous system thinks a total of 15 people is probably the limit and my practical self thinks we need a total of 5 people for this to be a go. Want to come? Fill out this form.
What if your nervous system is incredibly wise?
Whenever I talk about my autistic well being and how much more regulated my nervous system is I’m always very careful to name that this happened because I literally moved to the middle of the woods. There’s nuance here too of course. While living in a hellish noisy city I supported myself with many nervous system tools, as well as getting support from trusted practitioners. Meditation, morning writing and somatic practices helped bring in layers of support during really hard times. But what my nervous system truly needed to feel safe was quiet, trees surrounding me on all sides, noise cancelling headphones, the steadiness of living alone. My nervous system was wise as fuck when I was living in the city and it was taking care of me through embodied emergency responses (such as the freeze response, fight and flight response.) I’m sharing this because nervous system regulation and trauma healing work is going to look different when we’re dealing with a neurodivergent nervous system, systemic oppression and unsafe conditions.
So if you’re someone who is feeling in a deep freeze or a fight, flight or fawning response-what if it makes so much sense? What if your security system is actually incredibly wise? What if the medicine isn’t to try to “trick” your body that it’s safe but to name that maybe it makes so much sense for your body to be reacting this way. That doesn’t mean we don’t tend to the freeze or work with our emergency responses but that sometimes what’s healing is starting off by naming “of course I don’t feel safe right now.” When I think of gathering together with people in my queer community I don’t think about bypassing the very real dangers and threats happening right now but about calling in layers of support. Sometimes a layer of support is co-regulating with someone(s) who holds similar identities as your own. I’m thinking of sharing experiences with friends who also came out later in life or how working with an autistic coach who was also late diagnosed felt so affirming because she just “got it” when I would share my experiences.
Can we look at nervous system regulation with a kind neurodivergent and queer lens? Perhaps that looks like hand over our heart, naming the response we’re experiencing and saying gently “of course, this response is here.” Then perhaps noticing if there’s any health or stability available, without bypassing whatever emergency response we’re noticing. Perhaps that’s the stability of the chair beneath you, your cat lounging in the sun or the steadiness of a bone in your body. Maybe it’s that song that makes your queer heart leap with joy, the sweet relief of noise cancelling headphones or co-regulating with that safe human or pet. I’m sharing this because I know (believe me I know) how easy it is to focus on what isn’t working, on feeling unsafe, on the emergency. Those things are so important, valid and can we be with the both/and? Of “I’m so scared and that makes so much sense” and “can I possibly notice if there’s anything that feels even a tiny bit stable or soothing?”
Personal & business shares:
New blog post on sexual somatic self consent and care called 4 Ways to Explore Sexual Consent and Care.
I’ve been feeling into the awe of winter and all the lovely creatures that visit me (okay, they are mostly attracted to my compost pile but still!)
I’d love to enroll a few new folks in my coaching programs The Autistic Mentorship (a 5 month program for late identified Autistics and AuDHDers) and Coming Home (a 6 month somatic trauma resolution program). I absolutely love supporting clients in coming home to themselves through autistic life coaching, queer and autistic centered somatic trauma resolution and steady support. If you’re desiring attuned support and care, I’d love to chat and see if the type of support I offer would be a good fit for you. You can learn more about the above programs by clicking the link or send me a message/email.
Working from home it’s so easy to spend my whole day with clients, creating things, being on the computer-so I’ve been building in small breaks to support my wellness. Simple things like cuddling with cats, sensory breaks, looking at how the clouds move in the sky.
I saw Wicked and found it so much fun and very gay!
I appreciate you being here.
I really do. There are some things you can invest your time and attention in and I appreciate you reading more words. Whether you’re new to this newsletter or have been around for a while, please feel free to say hello in the comments.
Big queer autistic love,
Tiffany
Hi there, my name is Tiffany and I’m so glad you’re here. I’m a queer autistic human, a twice certified somatic coach, mom to two very adorable cats and writer of this newsletter. I live in my sweet home surrounded by woods and very cute wildlife. Want more queer autistic support & resources?
✨Learn about my coaching programs The Autistic Mentorship (for late identified Autistics and AuDHDers) and Coming Home (a somatic post traumatic growth coaching program).
✨Check out my blog with 40+ blog posts on topics like coming out later in life, neurodivergent education and queer & autistic centered healing.
✨Download free fillable autistic workbooks in my digital online library.
Also if you’re a queer person living in the country, please feel free to say hi in the comments!
The truth is that getting a later in life Autism + ADHD diagnosis combined with autistic burnout threw me out of my window of capacity and meant that I had to focus the last few years of healing, recovering from burnout and creating a life that was accessible.
I love what you're doing to create queer community. I've been out as a lesbian for three decades but I'm still struggling to find it and I live in a major city. It feels like it's conditional upon performance of so many things that go against the grain of who I am - the sensory overload of social environments for a start. What you say about listening to our nervous systems and acknowledging what we hear as a natural response to what we are dealing with resonates strongly as I try to heal from so many years of trying to override it.
This speaks to me on so many levels as an ND woman beginning to claim a queer identity even though it's still scary. I resonate so much with the pieces around country living - the healing, soothing peace and beauty and the tribal costs. I've recently been part of starting up an open relating/ polyamorous local chat group and it's felt so important as part of connecting more with those who are like me, especially when mostly I'm having to translate myself for those who are more in the mainstream.
I also am starting to listen to the wisdom of my 4 F responses to things like not feeling safe at home, with a hostile live in landlady (fortunately i'm moving out soon). My system knew it was unsafe before my conscious mind did. Thank you for your writing and I will look into your offerings.