This is a wise body.

On teaching yoga, the body being wise and why joy is such a part of my healing.

How insomnia led me to yoga.

Me attempting to practice yoga and my cat “helping” me. I had recently adopted her and her sister and they were really good at helping me in so many things.

I had spent five years as a returning adult student getting my bachelor of arts and then got into an esteemed Spanish PhD program when I started getting insomnia. On the outside I was having a good time: going to parties, hitting up the library (I love me a good library!) and getting into a romance with the “cool guy” of the Spanish department. But I was also struggling, feeling like I didn’t enjoy my classes and feeling kind of lost-all of which manifested as chronic insomnia. When I used to experience chronic issues (such as insomnia or chronic yeast infections) I tended to get into a spiral of “I will feel this way forever” and of wanting to fix the issue as soon as possible. So I started practicing yoga as a way to attempt to “fix” my insomnia and depression. When I had moved into my studio apartment I had learned that my floors were actually slightly slanted so I began to learn yoga poses going slightly downhill. Fun fact: doing downward dog downhill as a beginner is not the best experience!

The truth is that yoga didn’t fix my insomnia. Making the decision to leave grad school did. But yoga did become a special interest of mine for a few years. I spent my extra money on yoga classes and would get up at 6am so I could get a yoga practice in before work. After working all day I’d rush to attend yoga classes. After completing my 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training I started teaching yoga to small groups of students. But when I started teaching yoga I knew that I wanted to teach with kindness and inclusivity. I still remembered what it felt like to learn yoga in a foreign language-which was challenging because I wasn’t fluent in yoga specific language in Spanish. While I had some lovely and supportive teachers, I also had some experiences that felt shaming like when teachers would get upset with me when I wouldn’t understand cues, when I would look around the room (due to not understanding the language) or who would say things like “What are you doing?” and “don’t look around!” Looking back I can see that I was so passionate about yoga and what I really needed were teachers who were trauma informed and led with kindness and inclusivity.

I was never a natural at yoga. There were poses that I either didn’t want to try or felt painful for my body. So as a new yoga teacher I attended an accessible yoga training called Yoga For All co-taught by Dianne Bondy. The purpose of the Yoga For All training is that yoga should be accessible for older students, people in larger bodies and folks who are disabled. I learned different variations of yoga asanas and offered students to pick the variation that felt right to them. Instead of using words like “you can use a modification if you need to”, I simply invited students to feel into their body. What variation of the pose would feel supportive to them today? I encouraged clients to make noises and to move their bodies in a way that felt good to them. While I no longer teach or practice yoga, I can see that these were the early stages of listening to my body. Of asking it: “what do you need right now?”

This is a wise body.

When I first began studying somatic trauma resolution I had started identifying that I had experienced trauma but I was in the very early stages of healing it. I was still looping in anxiety, feeling unworthy, masking and fawning a lot. I was quick to analyze my trauma responses and to identify myself as the problem. It was an interesting time of my life. After living in the chaotic city of Madrid and doing an intensive sex coaching certification (while being in a sexless relationship), I had moved to a small medieval Spanish city that I was absolutely in love with. I was both lonely and completely enthralled with the land I was living on. I still had so much unprocessed trauma, was exhausted from more than a year of an intensive coach certification and I was spending my free days walking in the hills near the city’s center, discovering hidden nature gems and finally getting to lay my body on the earth. At last I had my own spot in nature and I’d visit it several times a week, loving the feel of the breeze on my skin and the earth beneath me.

Views from a top a hill in my beloved city. Photo by me :)

Looking back I can see that living in this beloved land was the perfect conditions for starting to learn about trauma resolution. I had the comfort and co-regulation of trees, I would sit my body on the earth and integrate the things I was learning. I had space where I could cooperate with my body’s impulses. The more I started to learn about the nervous system and how healing trauma works the more I was able to validate that my body and nervous system were actually so incredibly wise. While my experience of learning from the Yoga For All training had taught me that all bodies are good bodies, I got to embody that our bodies were actually incredibly wise too. Instead of framing my embodied emergency responses¹ as “bad” or something to fix, I began to validate that my fight, flight, freeze and fawning responses made so much sense. They had served me so well when I needed them and I could create right conditions to complete outdated chronic responses. Instead of feeling like trauma was something I had to “fix” or heal from as fast as possible I started to slow down. To take small doable steps and to trust that I was worthy of spending time creating a steady foundation of health and support. I started to experience that healing trauma didn’t have to be the long and difficult battle I had once imagined. It could be simple, slow, steady and even doable. It could also include small doable somatic work along with celebrations and joy.

My healing includes joy.

Post dancing to country music down my dirt driveway. In case you’re interested: yes, my cats supervised from their window views.

I’m currently in a healing seasons of my life. Next month I’ll be completing my 6 month somatic trauma resolution training that I’ve been doing and I’m also taking a course on somatic sexual healing. Both of these containers are offering a lot of slowness, self reflections and stabilization practices. But my healing also includes weeding outside and feeling the breeze on my face, listening to music and dancing down my dirt driveway under the sunny sky, going for walks and delighting in country music (which I have recently gotten really into), making up a spur of the moment Mother’s Day “dance” performance with my brother, eating yummy food and big belly laughs.

The truth is that there have been dark moments in my life where I haven’t had access to joy. Where depression, chronic insomnia and autistic burnout made me believe that I would be in those states forever. There’s been seasons of my life where rainy days made me feel sad and gloomy, where sensory pain made me hate everything that wasn’t quiet². It makes sense to be going through a hard time and to think “this is how it will always be.” It can be so easy to think of how far you have to go, of all the layers you still want to heal. Which is why it can be helpful to pause and to get curious about the things that perhaps are going well. To be your own cheerleader and without bypassing the challenging moments, to also name what is working. To notice those shifts and momentums that weren’t there three months ago. To notice those small (and perhaps big!) moments of pleasure, of joy, of satisfaction. My clients know how much I love to celebrate them-it’s truly something I love to do so much. To say “hey, could we pause here and celebrate you for a second?” I also frequently start my therapy sessions by telling my therapist “I’d love to start off with some celebrations.” We are worthy of celebrating the small and big shifts and of noticing that there’s goodness here too.

These days I’ve been reflection on all of the things that have been a part of my healing history that I hadn’t previously identified. While I’ve always been grateful for things like coaching and therapy sessions, recently I’ve been thinking about the “non traditional” things that have been a part of my healing journey. Things like how martial arts was so healing from me as a pre-teen, how healing trees are for me, how my cats are such a part of my healing and mental health. I’m curious if you feel called to share: what things are healing for you?

Thanks for reading!

It’s been awhile since I sent out a newsletter so I appreciate you being here! Please feel free to say hi in the comments or to share any reflections.

Hi, I’m Tiffany. I’m a certified somatic coach and a queer AuDHDer human. Mom to two adorable cats. Things that make me happy are trees, reading romances and dancing around my house. I love to support clients in coming home to their full self expressions, worthiness and sovereignty.

If you’re seeking support, I’d love to support you in my Autistic Support Sessions (a three session coaching package for late identified Autistic and AuDHDers) and in The Somatic Mentorship (a 5 month somatic coaching program.) I also offer one off coaching sessions to past clients. If you previously worked with me you can book a one off session here.

1. I use embodied emergency responses instead of calling fight, flight or freeze trauma responses. I learned this language from Rachael Maddox in her ReBloom coach certification.

2. Except for my beloved ones who have given me joy even in my darkest moments.